Captivating Retreat, Crooked Creek Colorado

So, obviously this blog has been seriously delayed. And I have struggled as to whether I should even post it. It has been 3 months since I came home from Captivating, and the assault on my children's health, our finances, my marriage and my freedom has been relentless. The enemy has not let up one bit. From the moment I got off the plane in Abilene, he has been attacking. I can't lie and say I have not thought about giving up, waving a flag and admiting defeat. But, in the core of my being, I KNOW my King is stronger. And nothing has changed since I wrote this post. I guess the assault on me is kind of a good thing, it means my enemy is scared. So I am being obedient to what I think God wants me to share, to be transparent in my story, and to completely give glory to God!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I had the incredible opportunity to go to the Captivting Women't Retreat in Colorado a few weeks ago (back in August). Captivating is a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge for women and God's pursuit of our hearts. I enjoyed the book, but I think it was just the beginning of God's romancing me. It set up what He was going to show me. I have been wanting to go on this retreat for some time, but it's hard to get into, so when my sister told me she could get us three sisters and 3 friends in, I was over-joyed! I had no idea what God was planning to do, but I couldn't wait to find out. And I COMPLETELY under-estimated what was going to happen.

The retreat was at the Young Life Retreat Center in Crooked Creek, or Fraser Colorado. It was the perfect place to fall in love again with Christ. And I have waited so long to have this relationship with Him. I have never really understood the concept of "being the lover" of Christ. It actually would make me feel uncomfortable thinking about it. But now, that title, being the lover of Christ makes perfect sense. And more than that, I understand it, in my HEART! He truly loves ME, He adores ME, He romances me with the desires of my heart, He is tender to me. He is who I desire, who I long to be with when I wake up, who I can't wait to share things with, to rest in. How can I explain this intimacy? It is what was intended, what I searched for as a young girl, a wild girl, "looking for love in all the wrong places". He is what I have always searched for, not just the typical church/God relationship that you do out of obedience or fear, but the one who "completes me", if you will. He is what I was looking for in every false comforter like food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, isolation, whatever it may be.

I have always loved God. Always. I have always wanted to please Him, for Him to be pleased with me. And at times in my life, I even felt like I "finally got it". There have been times through my story that I have been very close to Him, completely focused on Him, loving Him. This part of my story, however, is way beyond what I ever could have imagined. It wasn't the "Captivating" retreat that did it. Yes, it was hugely instrumental in the revelation, but God has been preparing my heart for a long time. And He knew what it would take for me to get it, to open my heart completely to Him. And He showed up in earthquake/tsunami/tornado like fashion in those mountains.

What happened? He showed me who I am. Simple, yes? Not for me, not for lots of women. I believed the lies about who I was. I believed that my identity, at the core of who I was, underneath all the layers, that I was evil. That I was my sin. That I was my insecurities. That I was my family's sin. I believed that because I am overweight, that that is who I am, nothing more. That I have nothing important to say or that my life could never be used, because I had a weight problem. I believed that Abbye was not worth it. That no matter what people told me, they would leave me, they would turn their back on me, and that I deserved it. That Abbye would never be truly accepted by family, friends, anyone. That Abbye would always be the insecure, fearful, angry, vulnerable, clumsy shy girl. I believed that no matter what God taught me, no matter what the scriptures said, no matter what the self-help books said, no matter what freedom I found, that I would never change. Ever. That is who I have always believed I am. That is the LIE I have always believed. That is what I have been carrying around with me for 25 years. I believed that Abbye is a lost-cause, and I could give you evidence that would back me up, evidence that Satan so "kindly" kept reminding me of.

So what happened?

God happened. As I'm writing this, my chest heaves with emotion! God came for me! You know all those chick-flick movies we love? The ones where the man, the hero, the love, comes for the woman? Mr. Darcy comes for Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice? Walking across the field to declare His love to her? He was not dainty in his coming for her, he CHARGED across that field for her. That was God. That was me. He came for me, in the most romantic way possible. There was no question about what was happening, Jesus, came for my heart, every part of it. He came for Abbye, sad and hopeless. I could see Him. He was there. I found this little spot by the river, a little cove. That's where He rescued me. And I tell you this, not in a fairytale/not-realistic kind of way. He came for me. I was sitting by that river, sobbing, begging God to deliver me, to free me from the bondage I was in. Begging Him to come for me. And He was there, He was there! In an instant, I felt the chains being yanked off, and light FLOODING my heart! I heard His voice, I felt His touch and in that moment, I got it. I finally got it. I am His. I am His. He is in love with me, ME! Not me who has to perform or act like I've got it all together. He is in love with the inner-most parts of me, who I really am. And nothing I can do will ever make Him stop loving me. My identity was revealed. My TRUE identity. And I finally understood it. They weren't just church words that held no meaning in my heart. I got it. I am Abbye, Daughter of the Most High King, Lover of the Resurected King, friend of the most powerful King! I finally got it. And it was not magical, it was real.



In the movie, "Last of the Mohicans", the beginning of the movie starts with the three Mohican indians running. I love this image. Imagine, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, racing, running hard, furious, passionate, to protect me, for my heart, Abbye. That they would fight for me, an insecure, vulnerable, clumsy, shy girl who is afraid of opening up, is HUGE! I have never seen myself as someone that anyone would fight for. But God showed me His passion for me. His desire for me, that HE fights for me and that HE delights in me!

He wants us to love Him. To seek Him with all our hearts. A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired.


Stasi Eldredge and Lori McConell lead a beautiful ceremony one evening where we asked God for our new names. They gave each of us a pure white rock, which means "innocent", to write our new names on. As a woman, it is easy to believe all the false names given to me, given by others, the enemy and given from myself. It seems natural to wear these names, to embrace them as truth; shameful, hopeless, not likeable, stupid and ugly are some names I have worn, that I have embraced. I asked God to give me a new name, just from Him. I didn't expect to hear from Him so quickly! But it was clear! My new name is "Cherished"! To cherish is to hold dear, or show love for; To take good care of, to procect. I understand it now. God is after me, He desires me and I desire Him with EVERY breath! I wear this name with joy and pride.



I was so blessed to sit under the teachings of John and Stasi. I consider them as well as Ransomed Heart Ministries to be my teachers, my mentors at this time in my life. John talked to us on Saturday at the event. He spoke to us on why we as women are hated and targeted by satan and that we are called to be warriors! We have to fight him. Satan always goes after the beauty! He also taught on agreements and how we have to continually be alert and break them. The enemy will take something that seems believable and twist it just enough to make us agree.

"Fight and rebuke the demons; but come back to the romance, to the intimacy!"
~John Eldredge



Even closer to my heart is Stasi. This woman is precious, so incredibly precious. I loved sitting under her teaching, God used her testimony and her life to greatly influence mine. I had put her on a pedastal while I read "Captivating", but getting to know her, I was greatly priveledged to see the real woman, who struggles with her weight and is still beautiful and has important things to share! I never thought I could be of any importance if I was overweight at all. God used her mightily to reveal that lie I believed.


This has been an incredibly long post, and incredibly personal to me. I am trusting God to protect what I have shared and that it might minister to even one. I agreed to be transparent in my story. So there you go. :)

"Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, Live blessed! Be healed of your plague!"

~Mark 5:34